Stupidly Me

OMGOSH! LOL!!

2010-08-07T22:59:00.001+08:00

I can't believe I was such a fool, hahaha!

Thank You, Lord!!! :D :D :D

Worst week of my life (not an emo post - but depends how you look at it ;))

2010-08-06T02:38:00.002+08:00

Just got home: 2.10am. Sent mum home, then had to go back to dad's. Federal Highway was EMPTY! I achieved highest speed ever! Haha! 150kmph! I was so shocked I reached that speed, I actually got scared and slowed down: started smelling rubber :P

I'm happy today. Well not happy per se, but joyful :) Joyful because God impressed upon me many things, with the messages central to a particular encouragement: that He is with me and He won't let me go :')

Nothing in the world can change the past. I've lived my life with plenty of regrets, but none greater than this one. I never should have let go ... But I did. And nothing in the world can change that. What about God? My mum, Spirit-inspired, answered me, God can change the past using the present/future.

Still, there is a profound sense of regret and guilt in me; anger and hatred for self is not far behind. I know God has forgiven me, but it's so hard to forgive myself, but I know I must for how can I be greater than God and not forgive myself? It shall come, slowly...

Still, I wished I never let go...

I'm distancing myself from people right now. I need to. I need to pull God close to me. I need to have Him always close to me.

There were great friends, brothers and sisters who helped me through this week, and to them (you know yourselves :)), I say thank you with all my heart :') You were all there to remind me that God is with me even when no one else is. You were all there to care for me when there was none to care for me save the One Above :')

There's so much on my mind, but it's nearing 3am, and tomorrow I've got to work part-time from 8.30am to 6.30pm then go for Young Adults Fellowship! But I'm eager for YAF :P Anyhow, though I won't be writing everything on my mind down on this blog, this is still gonna be the longest blog post I've ever written I think. Haha.. sorry, I just need an outlet for my head :P Besides, who would even read this? :P

In the end, God reminded me that His love will enable me to get through all this. He reminded me to come back to Him, and keep my eyes on Him. That He'll carry me through. He reminded me to trust Him, not Man, for Man disappoints and lets you down. Your hope must be in Christ, and no others. I'm living it out right now the truth of this principle.

Whatever it is, it hurts like CRAP still. It hurts so bad it's not even funny... But I know that God is with me, and when He's with me, I can conquer everything, including myself and my own demons. Last year in December, God told me that this year will be most difficult year ever, that I will have to overcome my Giant, my Goliath, and my Goliath is myself. And how true it is. Sigh.. still, I wish I never let go. Appreciate before you lose it. Appreciate that which you have before it flies past you and where you'll never get a second chance again.

Love, before there's no one left to love.

I shall end these with two verses:

"Why so downcast, O my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise Him,

my Saviour and my God."

~ Psalm 42:5

"Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me;

O Lord, be my help.

You turned my wailing into dancing;

You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing to You and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."

~ Psalm 30:10-12

Lord, I just want to thank You no matter what and I praise You for who You are and what You've done. I'm gonna trust You with all my heart with all this, and trust You to help this exquisite pain in my heart. Above all else, dearest Lord, I love YOU. And I know more than anything, YOU love me. In Christ's dearest name, AMEN :')

Transition...

2010-08-03T16:20:00.002+08:00

"And if only ye'd ever learned to love. Suren ye've let things slip past, Drizzt Do'Urden."

~Cattie-brie, The Ghost King.

I finally understand.

2010-08-03T01:06:00.004+08:00

Appreciate, before there's nothing left to appreciate.

Care, before there's no one left to care for.

Savour, before there's nothing left to savour.

Remember, before there's nothing left worth remembering.

Hold on, before you lose your grasp.

Hope together, before there's no one left to hope with.

Have faith, before there's no one left to have faith in.

Love, before there's no one left to love.

~abt

Hard, but what isn't?

2010-07-03T23:09:00.001+08:00

I guess I am one.

Sorry, Lord. Sigh..

Where there is darkness

2010-06-08T23:07:00.004+08:00

there is evil.
the willingness of self
to rage at loved ones;
to murder by hating,
to hurt by screaming,
to spite by unloving.
thus shall all know
privations of life.

no man is righteous,
no man, true - especially
this one.

~

there is Light . . .
in Light, hope prevails.
It is a Man who rails
against the dark night
with might that surrendered
to nails - yet that sundered,
be-cleft and broke

evil.

~tab

A Bottle.

2010-04-17T22:18:00.003+08:00

I feel like hiding in a bottle. In the bottle.

I'm tempted to drown myself in pints and drafts, taking hefty swigs off of 'em.

HELP :(

Chipmunks and me.

2010-04-13T19:58:00.002+08:00

"From this angle, my hand looks like a chipmunk."

- what actually went through my head WHILE sitting for my Statistics 3 trial paper.

NBTD

2010-04-05T15:49:00.002+08:00

"To Kau, or not to Kau. That is the question."

- Briamlet

Galatians 5:16

2010-02-28T16:16:00.002+08:00

".. live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature."

Even as I struggle with myself, even as I take this fight to the Giant that is myself - arrogant, boastful, seemingly inimitable and supreme, gallant in all its sinful majesty - I find myself faltering.

I want it to stop being "I", and instead, overcome the darkest part of myself. It is so hard, so difficult, and it feels impossible. It feels matchless. Yes, I find myself matchless against myself. And the worse thing is, I do not sin against man or myself, but rather, God. Jesus. To the unbeliever, how small and dismissable this problem is, surely! But to me, yes, to me, it rips me apart like some damned ravaged dog, emancipated from years of hunger, delving into the innards of a broken man. I am that broken man. I am broken without and torn within.

Call what you may -emo, self-centered, what-not, but I write this not as to appeal to the heartstrings of man, no, but to the very Spirit of God who dwells in mighty glorious Heaven above, and in this lowly, decrepit body. To You, O Lord, I petition:

"I know Lord, that You are within me, and within me you dwell and give me the strength to live, the grace to persevere and the love to love. It is You that allows me to smile as I live my life; it is You who love me despite my sins and imperfections.

Gracious Lord Jesus, I know You love me. And I know that within me, within You, is the secret to overcoming this impossibility that is myself. This jumble and complexity of an infinitely enormous dense web of sin in me, is triumphable in Your name, through Your Spirit.

Lord, forgive me I beg, for all my sins and failures, all my ways that have not glorified You but instead gave a bad name to You, and even as if I myself nailed You on that Cross again. Forgive me Lord. Father, in Your Son's holy Name, forgive me not for what I've done, but for what Your Son has done. Forgive me because You love me, not because I love You.

Now I cry: make me clean, make me pure. Make me as who You want me to be, for that is my greatest desire. In Your Spirit dearest Lord Jesus, I cry out, GIVE ME YOU, JESUS. I need You, and I know that it's in You I find my freedom for You alone are my Truth in this world of lies. Set me free Jesus, and help me live in Your Spirit a life that gives You constant glory, and reflect Your righteousness and majesty.

Lord Jesus Christ, Yours is the most Blessed of Names. To You be the glory forevermore, as I say this from the bottom of my heart: Thank You Jesus for everything, and I LOVE YOU ..."

I'm here.. But you don't notice that.

2009-12-31T17:32:00.002+08:00

To brothers, sisters, and friends.

I'm here, but you don't realise.

I'm there, but do you look?

Do you appreciate and see who's there?

Take a look, and you'll find

the person who cares for you,

is standing right there with you

all this while.

Am I...

2009-10-26T13:09:00.000+08:00

Am I allowed to cry?... Lord? :(

I am a failure.

Come, Lord, and deliver this world...

2009-10-14T18:27:00.001+08:00

We were strolling down Petaling Street, taking in the not-so-wholesome view of garbage strewn around, punctured with painstaking-to-the-nose odour, when a 60 year old-ish caucasian man having in his hand the hand of another Asian woman, of a decrepit look despite being only 40-ish, walk past me, as the lady armed her face with a smirk, yet knowingly a tired one for when I casually glanced into her eyes, and she into mine, as they both glided past me, I saw orbs of intense pain and sadness, ready to break down from life's monstrosities and unfailing cruelties that seem to pervade this world we live in.. I saw eyes that screamed for help, yet... yet.. none could hear... a silent scream for help, deafeningly loud in meaning, shockingly silent in tangibleness of sound. Where was justice, I heard my heart pound...

Amen.

2009-07-26T19:51:00.002+08:00

"... those who seek the Lord lack no good thing." - Psalms 34:10

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I shall fear no evil,
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff,
they comfort me." - Psalms 23:4

Hear us from heaven, O Lord...

He is good always.

2009-07-26T19:51:00.000+08:00

Expectations percipitate the collapse of oneself.

2009-07-07T19:38:00.004+08:00

My church elder, Mum's friends, Dad, Sis, friends. All of them expect me to be somebody. Under the yoke of expectation, there comes a greater weight on one that surpasses belief and understanding and assumptions. It kills the soul with pressure, murders the will of choice when subjectd to the extreme.

Thankfully, I'm not. I'm not in that position of extremity. But the collective pressure itself bows me down, and surely, close to the edge of the ring. I'm at the edge, where the ropes are, marking the threshold between 'in' and 'out'. That pressure is damning, sure in its strength, unforgivable in its nature.

This expectation on me, it desires me to be someone whom they deem is fitting FOR me. A youth leader to look up to. A doctor. A university graduate with top class honours whose robe is adorned with many a badge depicting success in co-curricular activities. In other words, a perfect student. And in all these, there is no room, no space, no chance given, to fail. Fail once, and you've failed always. It seems that way to me.

To friends, youths in church, I am to BE someone. As a leader, I am expected to do what is right. Expectations then, is one thing. Assumptions, are another, which it seems, many of the said youths are oddly prone of commiting. They assume I can handle all sorts of stuff, am always living up to God's expectations which alone, kills. And I mean, KILLS. To His standards, none suffice. By His grace alone, then, we come to His side. Grace is receiving something we don't deserve. Tadah! Can you see this single good news in the midst of gloom?? :)

Hmm.. It appears I'm redeeming myself for the long absence from my blog with this similarly long post. Forgive me. I doubt by now, many has stopped. To those who are still reading and continuing on this pointless read, congrats! I've decided to omit more than half of what I'm intending to write due to laziness! Tadah!

Therefore, I take my leave with a bow, not out of pressure, but out of desire. And lastly, allow me to say: Only what God expects of you counts. Others are mere farce. Simple as that. And when we fail, He'll be there to catch us. His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness. Amen :)

*Bows*

I hate myself..

2009-07-04T22:19:00.000+08:00

Lord, teach me to love myself for Your sake...

AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-05-13T14:46:00.007+08:00

I've learnt something today:

STOP LOOKING AT YOURSELF.

If I could, I would've screamed right now, right this instant, so freakishly loud, that EVERYONE around me would be stunned! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is ridiculous..

Everyone is caught up in their own problems, their own net, their own lives: their looking-glass is ever before them, they cannot escape it, until they choose so. Yes.

Today, I know one thing: I am my greatest struggle. We are our greatest struggle. Self-centeredness, self-indulgence, Self - Self - Self - Self. The worst bad word isn't the F-word, but the S-word: SELF.

Hahahaha... I am indeed proven right when I speak, yes, damn me and my arrogance, let the fool decipher my meaning, my speech. Did I not say the last time? Within everyone's life, they are swimming within their own bubble only, they cannot look beyond the bubble, even though it is transparent. Blind fools - as I am. Yes, as I am. Yes, as we all are.

The fool tarries in his own world.

So today, I'll break that norm, I'll break myself, my own Lies, OUR Lies, of humanity, and do right in Your Eyes as best as I can. Let others focus on their own troubles, their own troubles with naught a consideration for others. I don't care, seriously. Time and again I'm on the point of lethargy and apathy towards friends, brothers and sisters. And time and again as well, You pull me out of that hole... Sigh...

I'm tired, Lord... I am weak, Lord... Help me..

Sad and Afraid...

2009-04-03T10:08:00.002+08:00

What can I say? I am so freakishly busy with school assignments and church, and every day, I lack sleep, hitting merely an average of 4-5 hours a day. And I really mean every day.. But what cuts me the most, spites me and crushes me, tears me and consumes me with sorrow, bends me and pierces me, pulls me and constricts my very breath of joy is my Beloved..

Sigh, I never realised how real life is. I never realised how time has flown: I miss the days when I could spend my whole afternoon playing Final Fantasy XII or Kingdom Hearts or Metal Gear Solid 3, and know still, that I've still got a long way more to go, in terms of time availed to me. O where was the time when I could go on gallivanting, without a fear of any of my friends leaving me? Now look: It has all passed, like the silent passing of a shadow in a stark, pale gloomy night.

It wrenches my heart, to think my Beloved will depart from me by next year. Many of them are to leave overseas, and I won't be able to see them much anymore; more, some may not return.. And then I realise that I myself don't even know where I want to go... I look left, then pivoting to the right, ever-scouring the path ahead for my Future, ande still find naught..

O do not be far from me, dear Beloved of mine! Stay thy sinews! May thy feet grow weary, and your heart be saddened, lest thou leavest me! Stay! Stay! Stay, I beg!

Sigh... I look at myself, and see a dead soul, with no future. I don't see myself doing a degree whatsoever.. I see my Beloved, and they seem to have all their lives ahead of them, waiting to embrace their beings unto Joy.. Yes, that is what it seems to me.. Many think I am strong, but in truth, descry my actions, my words, and see the weaknesses and pain and sorrow that so pervades this one, so fouls my being. I cry, but who hears? I mourn, but who cares? They cannot see Pain, only One can.. Who have I in all this, save You?

My heart and soul is in the Lord Jesus.

Sigh, my Beloved, take care of yourselves, and may our dearest Lord Jesus ALWAYS be your strength and hope and life. May He keep you, and watch over you. Draw close to Him, and He will draw close to you! Seek Him first and His righteousness, and all this will be given unto you..

I love you, my Beloved..

Lord, be with them...

Out of the ordinary...

2009-03-13T10:58:00.002+08:00

I don't usually post what happens to my life here on my blog, save my thoughts and all that rubbish. But this time, I'll make an exception, due to the "specialness" of the occasion.

What else? Obviously I'm talking about my SPM results. 11 subs, 10As and a B; comprising of 6A1s, 4A2s, and 1B3. Not the most beautiful of results, but you know what? Thank God so, so much! Because it is just IMPOSSIBLE for me to obtain such results... Trust me..

In the first place I expected 5As minimum, and hoped like crazy to get at least 8As so that I was eligible to a 50% scholarship. And 8A1s I mean. And so when I arrived in school, in the school hall, there was a huge number of people crowding the hall, with all eyes on the school stage. My friends were all there already, and people were pushing and shoving and all that nonsense. Then the teacher called my friend's name, saying 9As! Then the crowd went wild. Shouts and screams and cheers erupted and pierced the already-stifling air.

At that moment, I sincerely hoped that my name would be called too; always there shall be that feeling: the feeling and desire to succeed myself, despite the knowledge that such a success was far off, into the distant sunset: the symbol of dying hope: light fading into darkness, like the coming of a seemingly faint and gentle dusk, yet in truth, the harbinger of darkness.

And then, all of a sudden, the teacher went: "Dan seterusnya, mendapat 10A... Tang Ashriel Brian!!!" or something like that. And I was just too, too shocked. My head was racing, I went up the stage, gave a foolishly large grin, or smile, or something in between the two, to cameras flashing, and stepped back off the stage.

Gosh you know what? I nearly cried as I stepped off the stage. My dad was there, ever eager, asking for my certificate to see whether I really had gotten 10As. I felt my eye bags heavy then - something was pushing against it from the inside - like a dam feeling the weight of the water before it, just so close to succumbing and giving way to the monstrous force. I felt like crying, but shedding not tears of joy, nor of sadness, but wanting to shed droplets of water, because of sheer gratefulness. Gratefulness, and appreciation to God's great and amazing and unfailing grace.

I am among the laziest of people around. I studied last minute, and I mean it. Not the 3 months before exam kind of thing, but more like 1 month before exam thing. My Bible Knowledge, I studied 2 days before. Expected to fail, but I really didn't want to disappoint my family, my parents especially, since my sister and brother failed their Bible Knowledge those years ago. I prayed whole-heartedly, the day before the BK exam, really sad and crushed, and found this verse instead: My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness - 2 Corinthians 12:9. At that time, I was really uplifted, and I told God, that I'm trusting in Him for my exams, and leaving it in His hands. I'm counting on Your Grace.

Still, I asked God that He won't allow me to fail, and give me at least a pass. And now look, I got a B3!!! Gosh, God has really upheld me through it all. Really, His grace and His grace alone was my net, and my Saviour. Jesus = Grace = Saviour.

The end result: I received not As, truly, but God's grace instead, that's worth so much more. I've found how real God is, and how faithful He is. This SPM thing, has drawn me so very close to God, and now, I just want to keep on living for Him. My sincere prayer is that may every human, every youth, every person, see this awesome God, see how real He is in our lives, if only we would look and see and believe.

Really, I've grown so much closer to God, seeing this love of His for me, keeping me and delivering me.. Sigh, thank You Lord... So INSANELY much.. Now I just want to say CONGRATULATIONS to all my friends for all their results, irrespective of how many As they obtained. That isn't what matters. Life does NOT end because of our results. It's the process, not the end result that counts. God refines us DURING our trials. We all did well, really :)

Forgive my lengthy post, filled with long-windedness and the like. All that I want to say is this: See how faithful and good God is; see His unfailing love. He delivered me through it all. He and He alone. Thank You, Lord, thank You...

Just something random..

2009-03-05T10:23:00.002+08:00

The feel of the guitar - of Europian make it was - came exquisite to his fingers, as he ran his hands up and down the guitar neck, feeling the part nylon, part steel, strings. Within, came a bursting sense of wonderment and astonishment, as to how one could have founded such an amazing piece of instrument, that could strum out notes and tunes, or be plucked by skillfully coordinated fingers; and if wielded by deserving fingers, a thing by the name of Music, came to be!

Wandering in his own thoughts, his hands continued their roving escapades over the body of the guitar, when suddenly, as if knocked by someone on his head, he immediately grabbed hold of the guitar by its neck and back end, and lifted it up as in a position to play the instrument.

Out streamed darling words that could have stolen the heart of any man or woman that were within range of the man's reverberating voice box. As he began singing, he quickly yet deftly followed up with an amazing repetoire of guitar fingering, strumming all the while, to the beat of the sudden emerging of drums, breaking the silent whir of the wind with beats marching in precise rhythms.

And so danced the voice of the man, the ringing tunes of strings vibrating, and beats drummed out as if arranged in such an arrangement, that it sounded so known, yet so very unique at the same time, by even a stranger. It was Music.

To: you

2009-02-16T11:55:00.002+08:00

Praye I that you would read this post of mine:

I just read your blog, and all I want to say is this: SORRY. Sigh, I realised how much of a jerk I was through it all, that darn month. As I read through that post of yours, my own heart was wrenched by the thought of how much you went through because of me.. I just want say that all I've uttered in times past, all of them, I meant it from the bottom of my heart, and I'm sorry that all that I attempted to salvage of your feelings, in the end, came out breaking you even more..

All I can say is SORRY, and still, I'm here for ya, as a friend and brother in Christ.

Yours truly,
StupidlyMe

A Mumble..

2009-02-06T16:41:00.005+08:00

Like when heaven's gates
burst out for too long a spring

without a reprieve for folks.

Unrelenting clouds topple hope
on earthen's bowl, overturned

to the growing heaviness of Man's heart.

Brokeness, 'twas an overture to it
'fly, fly, be away!

Stay far, stay clear!'

so was dying men's advice

their voices crackled

against blackening gloom.

Man must he flee

let go, release!

another Voice beckons

without a print of origin.

Listen, Man! Heed!

pleads the Voice.

that day, water over-spilled

over twin orbs of darkly hue

as moonlit brightened, piercing black canvas.

Mist and veil overtakes,

breaking heart, crushing soul

forcing desolation of Man.

sweet thy sound, Fair of Fairest

...praye Thy Voice changeth

does Man do;

past, now, by-and-by

still Thy Will be done,

even if to Man's pain...

A Blessed Time Together..

2009-01-27T23:32:00.012+08:00

First and foremost, I've just got to underline and highlight again and again, how awesome this experience has been for me. Truly I thank God for bringing me to this Youth Mission Initiative, and Kluang, and surely too, the Orang Asli people. I've been taught countless different lessons through it all, and brought back with me 3 things, namely: Focusing on God and ALWAYS putting Him first, chasing after Him non-stop; Having a heart of prayer, realising the need to pray and pray and pray; and lastly, character-development, i.e working on myself in multiple aspects.

And amidst this amazing and out-of-the-world experience with God, that just can't be described just like that, I've found another of God's seemingly superficial blessings: true brothers and sisters in Christ.

They have all been a jewel to me, each and everyone of them in Kluang.. No, more than a jewel.. Something more, that only God knows how much they mean to me... So, my appropriate response is this: Thank You, Lord.

So, without much further ado, here's the pics!

Here's us :)

The Ongkil kids drew us.

Why are we here? Simple:

For God.

In Timesquare - Just arrived.

Our supervisor, Darren.

Football!

Both teams taking pics ;P

Yours truly, late at night, before sleeping.

Roasting the wild boar :D

Darren and the Ali's dad.

Seriously, it tastes awesome!

Having fun

Nice pic, no?

With Mamak Asol and Mamak Kijal

Our last day with the kids of Kg. Dusun Kubur, before leaving for Ongkil.

Mamak Asol and us at Ongkil

Eating Siu Yoke, again! Yum!

Connie and me: She's very cute!

The wonderful Ongkil kids

Doing my devotions on a tree while listening to music

Paulus and a few of them kids

Our last evening with them: having fun

We were actually posing for this shot. Notice my ear-to-ear smile?

Just before we left

Paulus with them :)

Us and Kak Sina: again, right before we left Ongkil

Parting shot

A break while on the way back to KL

Bought Darren lunch at Midvalley with my mum; before we left back to Johor for debriefing.

Ah, the beauty of the Lord's creation...

A priceless experience... Thank you, Paulus, for everything, and sorry too :)

The END. That was what myself and Paulus went through, and for me, I enjoyed it immensely despite the many bumps. With all my heart, I'm eternally grateful to God for this, for everything...

Now...

This. Everyone here, I thank God so insanely much for each and every single one of you. Sigh, no words can properly describe what you all mean to me, and though I've known all of you only for so short a time, it really, REALLY feels like I've known you all for 25 years, and that number, by the way, is older than me. I guess this is what brothers and sisters in Christ, in the truest sense, feels like.

Others may not feel the same for me or just feel that way, but that is NOT going to stop me from feeling that way. May each and everyone one of ya know how real you are to me, and have affected my life one way or another, as my dearest brother and dearest sister.

Thank you, all of you. You all, by God's good grace, have made this experience one of THE best in my life. Overstating it? Nope. Merely a sincere statement.

And above all, thank You, Jesus... Thank You.

Eve of the 2009

2008-12-31T02:36:00.002+08:00

2:36 a.m on the eve of the new year, like a lion rearing to pounce on an all-new prey: 2009. And where I am, I have no clue...

I was about to retire to bed, when I just thought about it, and finally realized the unmistakeable possibility of the prospect of PB. Yeah.. well, I don't know why I'm like this nowadays compared to years past.. Slacking? Haha, no blinking clue... Still, just pierces my heart. Ah, how I enjoy the peacefulness of the night of the dim lightings of the living room, as if trepidated by the many forms of darkness in the room overlooking much of a town called Subang.

The streets are empty, dead silent, its deafening silence broken only by the occasional run of some crazed, alcohol-induced driver, blasting down the long two-lane wide road, disturbing many a resident, causing a minor flutter in their home-sweet, fluffy bed, thick with wool that would humiliate a decent-sized sheep. Yes, that is the scene outside those 4 feet tall, 5 feet wide window of my dad's house.

Why I'm writing out a description of the "night life" here so late at night, 2:45 a.m now, without much a reason, is really beyond me. Takes my mind off things I guess. I think that is why I love writing, helps me UN-focus. To just ramble on... To avoid the fears of life, repressive and inexhaustible in volume. My response? To sigh...

Ah, and another way to escape it, is to run the body gauntlet. I love the rush of the blood to my every appendage, the thrust and the heave of the upper body, propelled only by the tauting of the abdominal muscles, the work done, heat produced, brought about by all those mitochondrion respiration craze; then the heat, oh the heat! The burning sensation on the biceps, triceps, tingling like a fueled breath of chilly burst.. and the seemingly perpetuality of it.

Ah, these are mere ramblings of one in a state of borderline-lethargy towards himself... never to his friends though, never... In the end, the epiphany of PB seems to this one, all the more tangible and possible. Its ridiculousness has lost its seat of power it seems, while the prospectiveness of PB has emerged, seemingly at least, from the corpse and ash of the titanic brawl of the two opposing positions... .... .... ....or something like that.

Argh, I don't even know what I'm writing.. Sigh.. So be it..

Cheers.

~Don't ever leave me, 'kay Lord? Ever.. Others may, but not You.. Never You...

To you, my little ones...

2008-12-30T02:08:00.003+08:00

I love you guys, you know that? So dang much? You realise that, don't you? I LOVE you all...

Max, Jewel and now Benjy...

R.I.P Benjy...

And so I pray, that by God's good grace, I'll meet all of ya again... I'll be praying, don't any of you worry OK? Jasper, Mou Yin, Snowy, you all know that too, right? I adore all of you, no matter what may happen or what may come. I'm praying and hoping.

May I be able to embrace all of you once again, in Bliss everlasting....

For you...

2008-12-22T14:41:00.003+08:00

She sat across him, her hair curtaining her face, long fringes of swallowing blackness shimmering in the shade of the afternoon Eye as it seared and scrutinized the asphalt road running around the tiled roof they were under. The relentless light was repelled by the black tar, reflecting the light spectrum onto every possible avenue it could access, causing the deepening black hue on her straight-run, shoulder-length hair. Dark orbs tingling with bouts of bursting joy and a certain jingle of life, of purpose, were hidden behind those blades of hair. Her lips was a slight parched, reddish in that pouring heat.

Tilted low, upon the table that separated both of them, her head held there. She was listening to his banter, as she stared off into the little cracks of the wooden table, seemingly in a trance of listening to his words. Then and there did the boy realised the beauty of that certain girl, even to the extent of her not understanding. He saw something she didn't.

A pinafore she donned, and a pair of spectacles that held its own between the blades of hair and those inquisitive dual orbs. She sat there gracefully, to him at least, even if she did not notice it. He didn't care. He knew what he saw.

That girl was soon to be a woman, to grow into One's image, infintely more glorious. Still now, her face was naked; naught a foreign colour was on her fair face, it was natural, God-given, God-blessed.

Yes, indeed.

Seated on the bench, she looked beautiful, and the boy was stunned at that sudden revealing. He paused just for a moment, a moment too short to be noticed, before regaining his composure. She looked hopelessly dashing, beautiful, filled with One's Spirit.

The boy believed, in the end, it was His Spirit that dwelled in her, that gave rise to that beautiful person of her. It was her heart, her choice made to serve One with burning passion; her choice made to be different for His sake; to live for Him; to love Him. It was this combination of countless decisions made by one, and blessings innumerable given by One that birthed this certain gal. Yes, surely.

Haha... Just, Haha.

2008-12-22T11:25:00.002+08:00

First off, Sai Mui, well, it's not about pride. PART of it is because of my own pride, for in my pride, I cannot let go. But everything just isn't about pride. A little something else... Sigh.

Anyhow, guess I'll follow what Ashwin told me NOT to do. Yeah, I agree with him. Mustn't be selfish now. Haha? Yeah, haha. I guess, just destined, huh? Permanent then, Lord? I hope my sister would say OK to my request. I hope her kids won't leave me... Ugh. Haha? Yes, again, haha. Where did was that verse found again? The children of the desolate, something something. Urgh, I need that verse, but like Brother Andrew, I cannot live just like that! Sigh, too young boy, too young.

Gosh, self-pity, feels more like it. Yeah, danged self-pity. Stupidly me, then? Indeed, ridiculously, classically so. I'll carve this out that none shall comprehend it even in the most slightest of part, lest the cherished vaccuum part of mine own fall apart, air rushing in. I must, must, keep the enclosed sac sealed shut, impervious to feelings and all else, save One. Sigh...

The joy of the Lord is my strength. Yes, thoust joy giveth me strength:

That thou shouldst knoweth that thou art my Love; and thy Love is mine strength.

Fuh, all I need then, to perfect this epiphany I had those days ago, that firstly merely was to gain attention, is the motorcycle, BMW R1200R.

Tif, if you do go to Germany, get one for me.

Cheers.

Christmas poem..

2008-12-15T14:27:00.005+08:00

Written for the coming Christmas party:

how should one respond?

in face of a tetrarch,

One kept silent,

like a Lamb to a guillotine.

in retrospect,

a Baby born 33 years past,

of Kingly descent, glorious,

in a humble manger.

that is Christmas,

a Gift given, a Gift undeserved,

into the world emerging,

as Holy Sacrifice for us,

given out of Love.

Upon the earth He tread,

Seeing, feeling, knowing,

suffering, dying, and then risen;

all because of Love.

Fuh...

2008-12-15T14:11:00.002+08:00

I really, really, desperately need to get my attention away from it. As much as I want to avoid sounding to darn weird, still.. I need to get it out of my system!

I don't know why. Why am I so useless? And why is it like that? Must... lose... my... pride.. Garrgh! Forget about it, I must!

Ok, focus on Metal Gear Solid 4. My chance to escape the impending reality and sorrowful tinge of it. Dang! The bitter taste of it, repulses me as sheer dastardly sadness... I'm slipping as much words as I can into this blog, just to get my mind of it all. Urgh...

Ok, let me sing a song then:
Here comes the sun!
Pada pada!
Here comes the sun!
Pada pada!
Little darling!

Ugh... rubbish. May I?

nwebnhowetnotrnhwpnho0hnwnhotwnhborwnborbnhownjbotub
oboujtghohnswogujsnbononbsonbosnjghosngohguo0hgnbv vibvgsogohnb
hierhnorehnujrgvunsgoispghnsbjwoghutusgbndsb dfbolsdnjbdnsvklsn s
brhnernhsowbnsiuroguihtnkvbnsbnosuhbous

I really cannot tahan.. First time I'm writing like that..

Lord?

My Final Finale..

2008-12-01T09:20:00.005+08:00

Finally, high school has come to a close, screeching to a halt. When the bell rang, signalling our final flight in our own now-alma mater, boys and girls jumped around, screaming, which sounded like a funny wail. Yeah, SPM has come to a close for the pure science people.

November 27th, 2008.

And so we come to it at last - Gandalf the White talking through me again. Smiles were everywhere, but for me, I had so difficult a time even smiling. Not even a well-oiled joke could twist my lips into a smile, let alone the supposed final deliverance into a so-called, "MERDEKA". When others smiled, I stood expressionless, occasionally still releasing a smile just for the sake of others, lest I be branded a, weirdo. Still, I wasn't at all contented... Sigh..

After some intense self-examining, I realised it was because of my lack of closure in this school. This last day, felt empty. There was no joy, no last laughs with my friends. Every relationship, must stand with a closure at the end, I cannot just.... let go. Who can? Which human being can just let go, release, relationships at his/her own whim and fancy? What fool, no... Which fool?

Sigh, yes, there was a lack of closure. Also, on that day, was also a multitude of problems. Fuh, but that wasn't much too. I guess, it was the friends. I don't know, but the end of SPM has not taken any weight off me; stress, maybe. Relief, no.

Ah, the day of school uniforms are over, and back I am to being the sentimental fool, encased in self-uhhh... self-something. Inexpressible feeling... or not. Hmm..

Right, anyway, well, that's it. The end of something that I cannot return to for the rest of my life. As a friend of mine put it, in a very, very lame way: It's not the beginning of the end, it's the end of the beginning. Very, very.... very, very, very cheesy. I can taste it from behind my keyboard already. Rotten cheese...

So, whatever it is, I'm going to make it all the more worthwhile for my friends, and do them justice, and provide myself with 'closure'.

Sigh... Be not far from me, my beloved...

Reflections

2008-12-01T09:18:00.000+08:00

I stared at my reflection, the tall looming mirror before me.

An inaudible whisper escaped my lips, one only the thought of mine own could hear, could comprehend.

"Lord, before you now stands a boy growing into a man.. Much shall he suffer, much shall he learn, to be that man You've ever longed him to be. Then, this image was but a thin young boy, tiny in size- smallest, shortest- of the family-of-five, six, actually. Yet, by grace, he know stands before you a man grown up, 17-years of age, ready to take on the world, his innocence, lost long ago; evil has crept up upon him, stalking him, yet Father, You know that it is by Your Love that keeps this boy- man, now- pure, clean, through Your blood.

Now, Lord, his arms have grown much, height attained, girth, to an acceptable width. Thank you for your mercy in the makings of this one, for ever have I heard of those suffering by and through their body. Be with them, just as You are with me.

My King, I thought of love, that it was so distant, so fleeting, so paradoxical, that it slips from my stricken fingers, trembling in my own self-pity. Forgive me, Lord. Flowers shall come, for even in mourning do the visitors bear it.

Jesus, this fool, help me not despise it, not be repulsed by it. Teach me Your Love, comfort me, when all else fades from mine own sight... When the darkness whirs out of control; I know it shall come. When it does, hold Your people strong, Your anointed ones. Keep us, hold us...

Abba, I stagger, for I fear the hums of suffering, of loveless. Remind me of Your Love when it emerges, ugly, sorrow-filled... Be my sustaining strength. Lord, keep me; keep Your people. Be our Rock..."

Upon the mirror's reflection, I gazed upon the object of my hatred, eyes now red-rimmed with tears... welling, like a dam to burst.

You Jest~

2008-11-21T10:12:00.004+08:00

...LoL...

Lately, my mum, dad and sis keep on saying I've got a girlfriend, and obviously, it isn't true. But they keep on bugging me, that it's rather annoying.

"Mum, Brian got a girlfriend!" goes my sister shouting. Immature? More like just wanting to tick me off. Just because I'm on the phone a lot, she thinks this and that. But they do know that I don't have one, but still love to say so.

Thus, I've created a brand new, and very, very funny reply to their constant 'noise'. Funny for me at least.

"Brian, really got a girlfriend?" "Hahaha! Brian got a girlfriend!" "Mi, I told you already, Brian got girlfriend!"

My reply? "My heart is still a virgin, untapped."

!ROFL!

Funny? Classic, to me. Seriously classic. I crack myself up all the time. Imagine. Vain? So it seems.

This blog post has been a joke, written by Brian, jesting all the way.

To My Beloved...

2008-11-08T16:11:00.012+08:00

Dedicated, to you.

was it not so?

the Liege waved,

apparent silhouttes fell,

into my presence.

bearing joy,

manifesting to forms,

and how the whiff!

sweet indeed,

for they were there,

to curve a lip, form a dimple.

through autumn to spring,

again a cycle, and again;

revealed they were,

and help they gave,

sorrow-damned had naught to rave.

had they been lost,

how my heart be crossed!

even rifts divided were bridged;

lies alighted stemmed;

owing to the Liege's good Love.

entities known as:

Friends, yes,

in a domain where

all Deception grasps,

emerged.

They inspired, encouraged,

guided, taught,

hoped, was hoped for,

stood, was stood by,

loved, and was loved by.

We were entertwining lives,

moulded together:

giving reason, life.

giving truth, sound.

giving sadness, death.

Of it all,

They gave me... Joy.

Dedicated to my friends. Not a good poem at all, I know. Hard to find the inspiration nowadays. But I just want to thank, more specifically these people:

Ashwin: For the adventures we twisted out of the life in school.

Rohana: For the times we laughed about TOP and V.I.P.

Geraldine: Of course, my own little sister. For teaching and encouraging me.

Ronnie: For being my, no, our, "class teacher" and laughing with us all.

Manminder: For cracking the much needed and appreciated laughs.

Siah Che Wei: For being ever so sporting, 'allowing' to disturb you.

Swarana: For finally me beating you at arm wrestling, with a single hand against your two.

..... and many more. But I can't think of what to write. So pardon me. Yeah, and of course, one more, more specifically:

Ms. Claudia. Right. Thanks for for forcing me here. Haven't caught the bug of Blogspot yet though. Doubt I'll ever catch it... Whatever it is, you know what I'm to thank you for, so I won't waste time typing it out, just: Danke.

And so comes the end of the year, with sadness aplenty. One word: Dang! Why does it have to end? Sigh, my beloved, be not far from me. Stay thy hand on my shoulder; thy face, leave it not from mine sight... Dramatic? Yes, sorely so...

Friends, I adore you.

Old Soul...

2008-11-08T02:51:00.002+08:00

3 in the morning? And the second blog entry in a day? Hmm... Pressure, serious pressure, the main factor of this. Wow, I can't believe I'm being so personal with the blog now. Never have been so... Sigh.

Ah well, I've been reading my history reference book minutes ago, about Pakatan Murni and all the hard work put through just to achieve Merdeka status. And this reminded me of last year, when myself and a bunch of friends were part of the 50th Merdeka Celebration group people thingy. Then I thought about 50 years into the future from today. It would be the 100th anniversary of Merdeka then. And what would I be? My friends? And you know, it... hurts. Hurts in the sense that, my friends would all be so distant from me. Dang, crushes my heart each time I think about it. I mean..... ugh, can't seem to put it into words..

Argh, time. Seems uncontrollable, even when Albert Einstein himself proved that time is finite, not the other way. Still... God holds and stands supreme amidst all of this. To Him, 1000 years is like a day, and a day is like a thousand years.. I understand that sentiment...

You know, for the first time, I don't feel, in any sense, to put in any big words, and "colour" my blog with pretentious philosohies that only serves to blur others out from what I'm trying to say. In other words, works that cannot be understood easily, is a bad piece of work.

I guess this can be credited to the sentimentalness that I feel right now. Last day of high school this Monday. Argh, darn sad... Guess it's because of the music that's playing in my ears right now too. God of this City by Bluetree, the original singers. Beautifully sung, by the way. And played.

Sigh, seriously. Where is meaning? Fleeting, it stands with You and You alone, O God. But why? Why the ever-fading time? Why the lack of chance to be beside those I adore in school? Far too sensitive now, I? Maybe... Just maybe.

Argh, no amount of sighing, nor grunting can save my brokeness. Darn, why did I have to read that Pakatan Murni thing? Sigh, my eyes are so heavy. Coffee wearing out. My mind going into overdrive sleep mode. But still... WHY???

Why? Why? Why?

Frankly, the problem with me is that I think to much. No joke. Far too much. Over anything, and everything, I think, think and think. Think about other people's problems, and that, collectively, burdens me like heck at regular intervals. But what the heck? Why else should I be here for, other than to carry them? For their sake? Haha, I've gone mad. Seriously. Too late already I guess...

But seriously, I think too much. I look so far into the future, and get super sad and sentimental suddenly. Sigh... I guess it's me, being an old soul in a young body. Err of nature, mayhaps? Nay, not of coiincidence, but of truth, of One's great plan, to whom, and for whom, shall this one gladly bow, and cling onto, to the very edge of consciousness. No, pass that. Pass consciousness.

I want nothing else, other than to be "a man after God's own heart". Yes, that.

Art of Scribbling and Cowering

2008-11-07T14:59:00.002+08:00

Finals in a couple of days time, and where am I? In front of a computer typing out a bunch of words, that ultimately shall decide nothing of my future. Hmm, waste of time? So insanely right.

Ah anyhow, the theme for this input would be: WRITING.

Yes, the beauty of the art of scribbling. That is my ambition, and great passion to pursue. With an ambition, surely there must be a mentor and a guide, no? Well, to me, that man is the C.S Lewis. Darling creator of The Chronicles of Narnia, stirrer of truth in his Christian works, and the source behind the famed and honestly eccentric in every sense of the word, Screwtape Letters. I mean, demons writing letter amongst themselves? Brilliant, not to mention the inculcation of teachings through such marvelously entertaining "letters". Truthfully, I haven't had the chance to feast on the book, but I had heard from a large variety of other Christian authors on it, and of course, my mother too. She keeps on telling me that it's upstairs, hidden beneath the makeshift library of ours, but time has passed, dust settled, great grandfathers of ants passed on, and still no Screwtape Letters.

Anyhow, C.S Lewis. Truly a man blessed by God. I'm taking after him in my writings, so that beneath all the magic and fiction that is carved through the use of a pen, lies Christ's sacrifice at the heart of it, the cornerstone of the said creation. Interesting, no? Interweaving Christ and your passions?

Now, even public speaking can be endearing too, save the jitters of nervousness. Frankly, when you're on the stage, you would feel confident. That you own the stage. The crowd. The judges. Then, comes the part when you speak with idiocy, mixed only with the pretense of rhetorics, that hides the fact that you don't know what you're talking about, only for it all to fall apart at the belying of the hesitantcy and stutterings when all one's bravado has diminished into naught. And when you let fly a joke, the facial features of the audience that twists, makes you want to laugh as well. Ah, the irony. It seriously feels as if you're controlling the audience, and being able to bend them to your will, with utter arrogance... At least that was how I feel, unfortunately, I guess.

But still...

Seriously...?

2008-11-02T13:33:00.003+08:00

Umm, you know, Claudia, no one is reading this blog of mine, nor am I bothered to tell my friends about it. Do I really still have to update this blog? It's as if I'm writing to you only, which I might as well call you up and talk to you in my "lecturer" sense. No?

Well, anyway, for the sake of posting, I must have a sensible and meaningful -relatively?- post, right?

Right. Frankly, walking in shopping malls is like my home. My lair. It is the place where my brain goes into overdrive, and I just think about life while... walking around. Life, principles, truth, feelings, failures, faults, meaning, my Love. But one thing I would like to highlight is, principles.

Principles to live. How would I live here and now? I'm largely influenced by my uncle and mother, who live godly lives, of which, I desire so much to follow right after them, even through hardships and refinement that comes, obviously, at a price. I want nothing else, other than to be a "man after God's own heart". Seriously. But surely, I fail so often, it isn't funny. Self-righteousness, arrogance and pride in humility, like a ravished wolf in a diamond. Contempt and racist feelings. You know, this might as well be the place for public confessions of mine. Truthfully, it is so difficult to write them out, and expose them, with the risk of others then looking down on you, but still, I know that it is necessary. For only in confessing, can a clean plate be offered.

Gah, I've deviated completely off course. Right, back on track. Principles. Yes. Principles. Honor, integrity and courage. Above all, courage. Courage and the boldness to do the right things that we all ought to do.

Yes, and people have to realise, they must, that this world isn't black and white. We cannot so much as to leave naivety unchecked, for surely, it shall, without mercy, lead us into untrustable people. Though the complete disregard of such innocence, will condemn one to utter sceptism and cynicism, to the ultimate demise of men's good relationships, and friends of course. Understand, however, that innocence and naivety are two sides of a coin. One bad, to my own judgment at least, and the other good. Obviously, innocence emerges as the winner with the "GOOD" label on its cape, whereas naivety, would have to settle in the sendiments of "BAD". To elaborate more, would mean needless extra boredom added to this already hopelessly boring blog, with stupid and uncalled for, nor desired and welcomed, "expressions of the mind".

But seriously, the grays in this world exist as splotches between the good and evil rift. Life isn't as easy as ABC. To differentiate and know what is the right choice to be made, always, always, seek God out. Ask Him for discernment and guidance, for we cannot makedo without Him. He is a must. A vital need. Food that cannot leave our mouth. Yes, Him. God. Jesus. Holy Spirit.

...
...
...

P/s I'm going to coin this phrase now, after I found it to be rather charming: Fascinatingly boring. Rather ironic and contradicting, huh?

Cheers.

Yes, Toil, Wisdom, Pleasure and the Like are Meaningless..

2008-10-28T09:27:00.003+08:00

Solomon was right. Everything is meaningless.

Games? Gah, waste of time. Friends? I've somehow lost my apetite for them. Pleasure? Needless. It fades away, and stands as nothing in the end. Toil? I don't even have an aim, so then, why would I want to sweat so profusely? To what end? What shall be my gain? Nothing. Looks? To impress who? I don't care now what people think of me.

Meaningless? Indeed... I dwelt on these things in the car. I thought of it long and hard. When all these merge into the background, fall into the shadows as mere silhouttes, and are windblown into the nightsky, then what is left?

When all else fades into nothingness, what remains?

Myself and God. A meeting with the Maker. The Inventor of Life, of mechanics, of beauty, of truth, of meaning, of it all... Upon the round table, I feel as if I'm sitted there, facing the One, in all His glory. And I fear... I stand as nothing to this Entity, this Being. Glorious, Majestic. Yes, Majestic indeed.

And so, He remains as my First Love. My True Love. My Life. The only thing that means something as all else fades... The only thing that counts. Thanks, Christ.

Hence, is this mere ramblings? Nay, it is the weaving of words to His, and His alone, eternal Glory. Yes, Lord, Yours.

Wherefore Art Thou, in this Arena?

2008-10-26T16:57:00.005+08:00

Finally, I've tread on the ground of blogging, forced to by Ms. Claudia. Looking for me high and low, in this arena dubbed 'Blogspot', it is much as the same as when Juliet beckoned for Romeo in the classic words of Shakespeare, only that this time, it is an angry tone of a girl, minus all sound elements of Shakespearen romance, asking me to make a blog, or else!

And so we come to it at last. Mind you, those are the words of the wise and venerable Gandalf the White, of Middle-Earth lore. Hmm.. why I'm writing this way is not known to me as well. Ah, anyhow, indeed we come to it at last. Here in this barren land, where time is wasted like overflowing water from a bath tub, just to gratify the needs of the self.

Actually, it is rather justifyable to rant and rave in such a place, even if naught shall be a shadow to hear the ramblings and mindless banter of one, of this one in particular, for through a testimony by someone, I have learnt it releases stress and the like and all that stuff. Agreed.

But also she forgot one thing, that is, the potential place to brag and weave magic on one's writing ablities to merely satiate the pride of a man/woman. Though for me, I don't really care.

Why? For I'm living for Christ. Now to the very end. Everything else becomes inconsequential. Yes? Yes.